Wednesday, August 24, 2005

When New Democrats Debate

Sometime in 2006

Moderator: Welcome to the first debate of the election cycle. This debate is between Republican candidate Righty Rightofski and Democrat candidate Lefty Moveonsoros.

The first question is for you, Mr Rightofski: How would you deal with the upcoming Social Security crisis?

RR: Well, I think that the President has a very good idea with individual voluntary, and I stress voluntary, Social Security accounts. Not only would they gain more interest than the current system, but they would be owned, owned, by the account holder. They could be passed on to your children! How anyone could vote against that, as opposed to having the government dole out pittances to you, and leaving nothing for your children, is something that I’ll never understand. Every day that we leave this problem unsolved is costing our children more money down the road.

Moderator: Mr. Moveonsoros?

LM: My opponent is a big, fat dummy!

Moderator: You still have two minutes Mr. Moveonsoros.

LM: Oh. Well, in that case, I’d like to add that he’s a Nazi poopy-head!

Moderator: Mr. Moveonsoros, the question was about the impending Social Security crisis. Do you have any ideas on how to fix it? You still have one-minute left.

LM: I think that my opponent should be “fixed”. Hehehe!

Moderator: Alright, let’s move on, sirs…

LM: Yes?

Moderator: Pardon me?

LM: Oh. I thought you said my name.

Moderator: No, sir. I didn’t. Anyway…

LM: Oh. Alright.

Moderator: Yes, well…next question gentlemen. Mr. Rightofski, what is your view of taxes in relation to the economy?

RR: I wish all the questions were this easy. Taxes should be as low as possible. Tax cuts have worked every time they’ve been tried: the economy grows because there’s more money in the private sector to invest in businesses and, therefore, more taxes are being paid, which increases revenues coming in to the government. I would also be very open to a flat-tax or a FAIR tax if the details could be worked out. Abolishing the IRS would not only free up all of those resources, but save taxpayers billions of dollars and many wasted hours in tax preperation.

Moderator: Mr. Moveonsoros?

LM: I am outraged! That was an incredibly racist, sexist and homophobic statement! I demand that my opponent immediately apologize, individually, to every person on this earth! He would like to go back to the days of lynchings and gas ovens!

In fact, as I was strolling through Harlem this very morning, I ran into one of my dearest friends, (pauses to read from note card) Ms. Panda Ring, who happens to be an African-Hispanic-American and a Lesbian. As I looked down upon her in her wheelchair, she looked up at me and said, and I quote, “Dontchoo be lettin’ dem white boys be stealin’ no mo them eelections, y’all see what I’m sayin’?”

To which I replied, “I am down with that, sister!”

So in conclusion, let me say…

Moderator: I’m sorry Mr. Moveonsoros, but your time is up. And may I remind you that the question was on taxes. Next question…

LM: Tax the rich! Tax the rich! Aaaggghh!

Moderator: Yes. Well. Er. Next question: Mr.Rightofski, what is your position on abortion?

RR: I, like the vast majority of the people in this country, believe that abortion should remain legal, but only used in very, very rare circumstances such as saving the mother’s life, incest or rape. I believe that the “abortion-on-demand” industry in this country is wrong. Period. What we are talking about here is killing human beings who react to stimuli, smile and interact with their environment. Ending a life should only be done in very, very extreme circumstances.

(wincing) Mr. Moveonsoros. Your reply?

LM: I am outraged! These vicious personal attacks and outright attempts at character assasination must stop! My opponent is a known member of the Federalist Society and has, quite possibly, molested thousands of children! He is in no position to start this name-calling, especially when you consider the fact that Mr. Poopypants over there regularly beats his wife because he thinks his taxes are too high! So I've been told by a very reliable source at DNC headquarters.

And, even though he, too, may respond to stimuli, I don’t consider him a human being, either!

Moderator: Well, gentlemen, that’s all we have time for tonight. It’s been…umm…enlightening. I’ll now turn you over to our national news bureau for their analysis of the debate. Thank you, and good night.

(cut to two news anchors at analysis desk, upon which sits a potted plant)

Dan: Welcome. For the next few minutes I will be joined by my perky co-host, and this potted plant, which will represent the Republican point of view, since no one here in the studio has ever actually met a Republican and didn’t know where to find one. Which is just as well.

Katie: Well, Dan, who do you think came out on top in that debate?

Dan: Well, Katie, that was hotter than a cucumber on wood, but I’d have to say that Mr. Moveonsoros took command right from the beginning and never let go.

Katie: I agree, Dan. He seemed to leave his icky opponent flat-footed and gape-jawed several times tonight. His arguments were very hard to refute.

Dan: You bet Katie! And his anecdote about Ms. Panda Ring left me weeping like Michael Moore at an empty buffet table.

Katie: Unfortunately we don’t have time for the potted plant/Republican’s opinion, nor do we care, so we’ll now join our regularly scheduled program, “Gay Animals Are People, Too”, already in progress. Good night.

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