Friday, June 24, 2005

If I Were a Rich Man...

The top 12 things that I'd do if I were truly a rich Republican.

(Bad British accent required):

Most blokes' top tens will be at 10. Some even go to 11 because they think they're clever dicks. Well, 12 is one better, isn't it? You're on ten here, all the way up, all the way up, all the way up, you're on ten on your blog. Where can you go from there? Where? Eleven. Exactly. One better. But 12 is even better, then, isn't it?

And without further ado:

1) Entangle the ACLU in an unending series of meaningless lawsuits designed to do nothing more than entangle the ACLU in an unending series of meaningless lawsuits.

2) Enroll in a left-wing moonbat college course such as "Women's Studies" and do nothing but argue with the "professor" until I'm booted out. Repeat.

3) Join "exclusive" left-wing associations (i.e. women's colleges). If they won't admit me, sue their asses off. If they do admit me, do nothing but argue with them until I'm kicked out. Then sue their asses off.

4) Follow Michael Moore around the country dressed as a giant cheeseburger.

5) Hire a Monica Lewinsky look-alike to follow Hillary around and heckle her.

6) Follow ted Kennedy around while pushing a portable bar.

7) Join protestors while holding an "I'm with stupid" sign. Spell it wrong.

8) Burn "Gay Pride" rainbow flags. Call it freedom of speech.

9) Start a campaign to make Bill Clinton the "first gay President". That's alright, he wasn't black, either.

10) Take out a full-page add calling Louis Farrakhan a "black devil". Wait for the hypocrisy to begin.

11) Claim to be Jesse Jackson's "Love Child".

12) Talk one of Dick Durbin's aide's into claiming that his office is run like a gulag and that they are treated like Auschwitz inmates.


  1. 1. Will you retain E.M. or Kevin at Rant Me a River as your counsel on this? You could do a lot worse than those two.
    4. You'll need someone to go as a pepperoni and sausage pizza.
    12. That shouldn't be too hard.

  2. I don't know about #1, since I have more than enough of those guys as it is, however, I maintain that I will defend you, under some sort of Equal Protection/Due Process thingy, if and when any of this comes to fruition. I can just see the trial. Your honor...

  3. Couldn't pick a favourite. These are all great. I wish you were rich.

  4. Definitely E.M., bob.

    Not only did she volunteer, but as one of her trolls pointed out, she has breasts.

    That should go a long way in convincing a judge that I'm right.

  5. Hire the real Monica Lewinsky. That'll really prove your point.


  6. How about this?
    #13: Sue George Soros into bankruptcy!