Friday, February 04, 2005

We won't miss you

The following is from an intermittent e-mail "discussion" between a leftie co-worker and me.

I say intermittent, because he goes away for awhile once I shut him down and then, apparently, works himself up to try again. I think that he convinces himself that he was having a bad day last time, or that I really didn't blow him out of the water. After all, he's a college-educated engineer and I'm just a "grease-monkey". I couldn't possibly outhink him, could I? Not to mention the fact that I belong in one of those red states where everyone is a dummy.

The first part he apparently cut & pasted from the web. The 2nd part is my reply.

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Dear President Bush:

Congratulations on your victory over all us non-evangelicals. Actually, we're a bit ticked off here in California, so we're leaving. California will now be its own country. And we're taking all the Blue States with us. In case you are not aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois, and all of the North East.

Also, we spoke to God, and she agrees that this split will be beneficial to almost everybody, and especially to us in the new country of California.

In fact, God is so excited about it, she's going to shift the whole country at 4:30 pm EST this Friday. Therefore, please let everyone know they need to be back in their states by then.

So you get Texas and all the former slave states. We get the "Governator," stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzler. You get Ken Lay. (Okay, we have to keep Martha Stewart, we can live with that.) We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get 'Old Miss.' We get 85% of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get all the technological innovation in Alabama. We get about two-thirds of the tax revenue, and you get to make the red states pay their fair share. Since our divorce rate is 22% lower than the Christian coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms to support, and we know how much you like that. Did I mention we produce about 70% of the nation's veggies? But heck the only greens the Bible-thumpers eat are the pickles on their Big Macs, anyway. Oh yeah, another thing, don't plan on serving California wine at your state dinners. From now on it's imported French wine for you.

Ouch, bet that hurts.

Just so we're clear, the country of California will be pro-choice and anti-war. Speaking of war, we're going to want all Blue States citizens back from Iraq. If you need people to fight, just ask your evangelicals. They have tons of kids they're willing to send to their deaths for absolutely no purpose. And they don't care if you don't show pictures of their kids' caskets coming home.

Anyway, we wish you all the best in the next four years and we hope, really hope, you find those missing weapons of mass destruction. Seriously. Soon. Feel free to call if you do.......Collect........we'll take it.


Dear California,

We'd like to say that we're sorry to see you children "take your ball and go home", but we won't miss you. In fact it'll cut the whining level around here by about 90%.

We'll gladly take Texas and all of the former slave states because they're Republican states now, not like they were when Democrats controlled them and blacks were being kept out of schools and lynched by people like Democrat Senator Robert Byrd.

You may think that you're getting Intel and Microsoft, but my guess is that they'll defect to our side within a month if they can get over the wall that you'll be building to keep people in your country. They've seen how you treat "big business". Same with the venture capitalists and entrepeneurs. They know what you do to capitalism.

You will get 2/3 of the tax revenue only because taxes in those states are so high. And, since we won't have your big "mommy-state" programs to deal with, we'll get by just fine. You know, like LBJ's War on Poverty that's been going on for 40 years and hasn't changed the poverty rate one bit. Quite frankly, his war in Vietnam went better. And the war in Iraq is a downright miracle compared to that (Thanks again, Ann).

I doubt that your families are any happier than ours. It's just that a large portion of your people "shack-up" and never get married or, being gay, can't get married (at least to each other). Also, a larger percentage of your people are in their late teens and early twenties and, therefore, less likely to be married. And who do you think all of those single moms are voting for? Certainly not the right. Hard to get divorced if you don't get married. I'd say that that percentage is probably higher than 22%. (The preceding is called "thinking" about something, as opposed to regurgitating statistics)

And we're not really wine drinkers anyway. We're more Scotch and beer people. You and the French can keep your wine (and your whine) and the insecure pretensions that usually go with it.

That whole pro-abortion thing is working out so well in China, I hope that it works out for you too.

I have absolutely no doubt that you'll be anti-war. I just wonder how you're going to protect yourselves with no military. Your people are so anti-military I can't imagine that they would do anything hypocritical like have their own army.

The military that we have now absolutely hates you people, so we'll be getting them along with all of the guns and stuff that you hate so much. And when some little two-bit country comes to invade you, don't come running to us because you can't defend yourselves.

In fact, we'd even consider taking a weekend and invading your country, but it would mean that we'd get all of you people back, and that just wouldn't be worth the trouble.

We'll try calling collect, but I doubt you'll be able to pay for the call. All of the chronically unemployed people will be defecting to your side to take advantage of your massive social programs. Unless of course you mandate that they have to work. You know, like they did in the Soviet union. That worked out pretty well, huh?

And with the tax rate that you're going to have to have to pay for it all, anyone with a trace of ambition will be scaling that wall to get over here. Unless of course you shoot them if they try to do that. You know, like they did in the Soviet Union.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that all of your ideas have been tried before...and failed.

Well, anyway, good luck with all that.

And yes, we'll keep looking for those WMD's. After all, Bill Clinton, Ralph Nader, the Democrats, the UN, Europe and the rest of the world were just as sure (ya gotta read that link) as we were that Saddam Hussein had them, even after the war started. It was only after we didn't find any that they convieniently forgot what they had believed the day before. "1984" anyone? Even Orwell would be shocked by that bit of doublethink. In fact, I'm pretty sure that your country will turn out just like "Animal Farm".

Take care,


(Yes, we'll be keeping that name, too. Unlike you, we feel pride when we hear it. We can even say it in front of French people without embarrasment. You can call yourself The Democratic Republic of Leftistan or something. You know, kind of like how East Germany called itself the ' "Democratic" Republic of Deutscheland'. Odd how any country with the word "Democrat" in it is usually a tyrannical, socialist dictatorship.)

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To give the Devil his due, he did write back and say that it was pretty damned funny. Maybe there's hope...

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