Monday, September 05, 2005

Ah, the Good Old Days.

Remember the good old days? The days when we lived in utopia and nothing ever went wrong that a few well-spoken words couldn't handle?

Remember the good old days when there were no such things as real terrorists, only criminals who had a bad habit of killing alot of people by blowing things up? These criminals were handled by our incredibly efficient justice system one at a time, and it was only a matter of time before we had prosecuted them all to the full extent of the law. There was certainly never any reason to go to war over these miscreants.

Remember when North Korea had no nukes because our most dignified statesman, Jimmy Carter, went over there and got them to promise to stop their nuclear weapons programs by promising them everything that they wanted? And North Korea complied immediately and gave Jimmy a big hug. Bill Clinton was a trifle miffed because he hadn't actually authorized the trip, but that was water under the bridge after that spectacular foreign policy success.

Or how about when the U.N. used to be a dignified, earnest, efficient protector of human rights? They had no truck with dictators, or human rights abusers of any sort, and their proclamations were always obeyed immediately because of their moral certitude and their willingness to back up their threats with massive military might. Corruption? Perish the thought.

And do you remember when Europe was always on our side, and also willing to stand up for themselves like the noble people they were? There was never any disagreement. They stood with us through thick and thin. The thought of us having to take care of a war in their own backyard was unthinkable! But when that war did, eventually, somehow come along, we certainly didn't need permission from the U.N. to go in there and bomb the hell out of the people who were prosecuting Muslims. And again: corruption in Europe? I should say not!

The presidential administration in Washington was the most ethical in history. Nobody in that administration ever told a lie or, for that matter, twisted their words around to try to get out of some silly little politically-motivated scandal. They were straightforward people who would look you in the eye, and whom you knew you could believe. Because they had no history of lying. They were looking out for the interests of the American People (especially "the children"), and their own political careers be damned! Once again: corruption? How dare you even suggest it? There were certainly never any criminal investigations or legal proceedings that could sully the fine names of these people.

Sure, we had the occasional natural disaster, but there was Bill Clinton in his leotard and cape, wind and rain lashing his hair, standing atop a mountain of bottled water and lobster thermidore, with 500,000 national guardsmen ready to distribute it to whomever happened to want it, within minutes.

Taxes were low, the rich paid their fair share, there were no homeless people, Social Security was nothing to worry about, health care was dirt-cheap (although 43,000,000 people still, apparently, couldn't afford it), the economy wasn't headed toward recession, although global warming was, butterflies were free and everybody loved us.

But then, the "dunce", George W. Bush somehow rigged the election in Florida in a way that made it impossible for Al Gore to come up with a number of votes higher than his, no matter how many different ways, or no matter how long, they tried.

And now, everything is doom and gloom. There is no hope. The fascists (not those lighthearted, whacky communists, though) have taken over and it's only a matter of time before the world is covered by a toxic cloud and the ovens are stoked up to get rid of Bush's political enemies.

People are being silenced (apparently all it takes is to say, "shut up, moron") by the fascist Right and homes are being raided in the middle of the night.

Abortionists are being lined up and shot, falling into graves that they themselves were forced to dig.

Women are being forced back into the kitchen where they must take care of their slavemasters' horrible children and receive only a sound beating as payment.

Homosexuals are being rounded up and sent to labor camps, where they are forced to live in co-ed barracks, slaving away in the rusty-coathanger-factory, and not allowed to marry.

Anyone not carrying a Christian Bible at all times, and who isn't able to recite chapter and verse on demand, will be sent to the Gulag on a Carribean island where they will be forced to eat lemon-chicken and asparagus tips.

All chemical plants are being run three-shifts-a-day, and their product is being piped directly into the rivers, lakes, oceans and even the groundwater itself.

Animals are being tortured for fun, before being made into meat for the holocaust on our dinner plates and in our milk glasses.

Sound ridiculous? Apparently you haven't read any of the Lefty blogs lately. For them, this wouldn't even be considered outrageous.

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